I’m getting more than a little tired of being judged or looked down on for doing what I want to be happy.
Case 1: being single. People keep being all like “omg but you’re 24 and single what’s wrong with you” or whatever. Like can you not?? I’m not good in relationships and I don’t want to be in one right now. If Nic called me right now and asked me to be his girlfriend, I would. Wanna know why? Because my history shows that I just want what I can’t have, and once I get it, I don’t want it anymore. I’m that kind of dick. So if I were to be Nic’s girlfriend, I would then realise how much I hate him or he’d lose his appeal, and then we’d break up and it’d be over for real. For the moment though since he has some kind of childhood trauma, it’s just a convenient thing we have going right now and I’m OK with that.
I’m tired of my friends in relationships not understanding what I want. It’s ok that they want that more than freedom, people have different values and that’s OK. It makes it hard when I want to hang out though but they’re too invested in their relationships to care about their friendships. I suppose that’s what happens though when you settle down? Eh. Like. I understand and accept that, but they don’t seem to accept that I’m happy with being alone. It’s the “happy” part I think they have trouble with. I could have a partner right now if I chose to settle, and I won’t because that wouldn’t be fair to me or to the other person. I’m tired of people trying to make me feel bad for it.
Case 2: concert. So Lady Gaga is coming here on tour in August, sadly when I’ll be in NZ! EXCEPT for her last date, August 30 in Sydney. I want to go to this so bad, I’ve decided fuck it, I’m going alone. I need to stop being so fucking afraid of everything I do. There’s super cheap flights right now that I actually can’t look past, so it’s time to bite the bullet. Surely if anything I’ll enjoy the damn concert more alone because there won’t be anyone to judge me and I’ll be able to do what I goddamn want!
I just told this to Joyce, and was met with, “Oh, are you sure you’re happy with this decision?” UH BABES. You call yourself one of my best friends! You should know by now that if I’m not happy doing something, I won’t do it. This clearly relates back to being in a relationship also though :P Probably she thought I was making shit up to guilt her into changing her mind, but I’m 100% doing this. Going to book those cheap ass flights right now even. Hmph.
Argh anyway it’s just things like this. It makes me tired. So fucking tired. Let me be who I want to be ffs. UGH RANT OVER